The most honest line in this piece is that the potential we see in others is often just a reflection of what we would do if we were them. That reframe changes everything. The disappointment was never really about them not growing, it was about a version of them that only ever existed inside your own expectations. You cannot be upset at someone for failing to become a person they never agreed to be.
Thank you so much! I actually needed this, as a close friend of mine came to me for advice and I gave advices and replies that were not aligning with them, but to how I see them and my idea of them. Disappointment was felt from both sides, but I did some reflecting, and after reading this one, my mind felt clearer. This is something I'd want to start working on for myself and my loved ones. Thank you!
I've learned that what we usually hold onto isn't the person, but the ideas we have on them. It's okay to place boundaries and let them move in their own pace. And that's the best thing we could do for them and ourselves.
My mother knew how to “care” by pulling me by the sleeve in the building hallway to make me come back home - because she was afraid of the dark. She constantly talked about how she was dying of worry. From my earliest childhood.
Maybe that was decisive in my choice to be brave in everything.
But even as a child, I understood something else: concern is very often a disguised fear of losing control.
And more than that - it can become a form of violence.
Because under the mask of “care” there is often a lack of respect for another person’s autonomy and boundaries.
I loved reading this Alexandra! As I’ve been navigating my career in recent years, I’ve felt so grateful for those friends who have listened and held my journey with grace, rather than trying to fix or change it. Presence without projection is such a gift.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I especially appreciated the honesty around grieving the version of someone we quietly create. It felt like a beautiful companion to what I was writing, just from a different angle.
I loved how you named disappointment as a reflection of expectation rather than failure. It stirred something in me around how easy it is to look outward, to see potential, flaws, or “what could be” instead of turning that same curiosity inward.
Thank you for articulating this with such care and self-awareness. It definitely gave me more to sit with.
The most honest line in this piece is that the potential we see in others is often just a reflection of what we would do if we were them. That reframe changes everything. The disappointment was never really about them not growing, it was about a version of them that only ever existed inside your own expectations. You cannot be upset at someone for failing to become a person they never agreed to be.
Yes… you wrapped it up nicely… thank you 🙏
You're welcome
Emotional maturity is recognizing when our expectations say more about us than about them ! Thanks for sharing Alexandra :)
Thank you so much! I actually needed this, as a close friend of mine came to me for advice and I gave advices and replies that were not aligning with them, but to how I see them and my idea of them. Disappointment was felt from both sides, but I did some reflecting, and after reading this one, my mind felt clearer. This is something I'd want to start working on for myself and my loved ones. Thank you!
Beautifully written!
I've learned that what we usually hold onto isn't the person, but the ideas we have on them. It's okay to place boundaries and let them move in their own pace. And that's the best thing we could do for them and ourselves.
"I remember pausing there in the café, letting the question sit. Do we really know better? Or do we just think we do?"
Going to carry this question with my in the coming days. Thank you for this article :)
My mother knew how to “care” by pulling me by the sleeve in the building hallway to make me come back home - because she was afraid of the dark. She constantly talked about how she was dying of worry. From my earliest childhood.
Maybe that was decisive in my choice to be brave in everything.
But even as a child, I understood something else: concern is very often a disguised fear of losing control.
And more than that - it can become a form of violence.
Because under the mask of “care” there is often a lack of respect for another person’s autonomy and boundaries.
I loved reading this Alexandra! As I’ve been navigating my career in recent years, I’ve felt so grateful for those friends who have listened and held my journey with grace, rather than trying to fix or change it. Presence without projection is such a gift.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I especially appreciated the honesty around grieving the version of someone we quietly create. It felt like a beautiful companion to what I was writing, just from a different angle.
I loved how you named disappointment as a reflection of expectation rather than failure. It stirred something in me around how easy it is to look outward, to see potential, flaws, or “what could be” instead of turning that same curiosity inward.
Thank you for articulating this with such care and self-awareness. It definitely gave me more to sit with.
Awesome 😇
Beautiful!